by William Baggins
USA / English Teacher

January fourth was a bewildering day for me this year. It started out like any other Sunday: for most people it was the last day of the New Year's holidays. It had been several months since I broke up with my long-term J-girlfriend. I had tried to maintain the friendship at least, seeing as we had broken up on what I thought were good terms. However, any time I suggested we meet for a coffee or a drink, I was met with a "saikin, shigoto isogashii." After the first few times I took the hint.

Meanwhile, I had begun a promising friendship with a new J-girl, although I thought it best to keep it platonic. We had a lot of fun together and I enjoyed spending time with her, but then just before Xmas she fell off the map-- no replies to my text messages, and finally when I did call I was told: "chotto isogashii." Dejected, I had to acknowledge the striking similarity of the response. And so as with my former J-girlfriend, I wrote that J-girl off as a lost cause; until that strange Sunday when they both called out of the blue to wish me 'Happy New Year!'

Encouraged by this reconnection, I was keen to see them both again. Naively, I called them later that week, and was subsequently rebuffed by their 2009 choral greeting of "isogashiiiii...". What was going on here? Can't a gaijin catch a break in this town?! I ran the scenarios by some male friends who have J-wives, and they seemed equally baffled by this behavior. I mused that if the relationships were over with, then why would they have bothered to call me? And if they weren't over with, then why was I feeling so rejected?

It was too much thinking for me, frankly, but it did give me cause to reflect on the communication breakdowns that invariably occur in inter-cultural relationships. Male–female relations are difficult enough within one's own culture, and adding that cultural variable to the mix can make things get exponentially complicated. But in the end, maybe there's a silver lining to all this confusion. There must be some advantages to inter-cultural relationships, right? Otherwise, why would anyone bother?

A timely reminder of the bennies to dating outside one's own culture are clearly evident to me on Valentine's Day in Japan: unlike in the West, I actually get something! Yes, I have to remember to reciprocate the sentiment, or gift, come White Day; but outside Japan, Valentine's Day is ALL about the girls, period! The same equitable principle applies to dating in Japan, at least at the outset. I am still pleasantly surprised by J-girls who not only offer to pay for, but often insist on paying their half (or all!) of a dinner cheque. Many girls back home still cling to the outdated notion of "the guy pays for everything" philosophy, while they indignantly demand equal treatment in all other aspects of society ("I'll have my cake, and I'll eat it too. And you can pay for it, thank you very much"). Good grief! How about the humble and self-deprecating way in which many J-girls talk (or don't talk too much) about themselves? What a breath of fresh air when compared to the nouveau girl-centered culture of America, which is all about THEM, and how wonderful they are (or aren't). Get over yourselves already! And you just can't compete with a J-girl when it comes to kawaii-ness either (well, maybe Kitty-chan can, but she's Japanese too!). Add to that the fact that most J-girls take care of themselves, have fit bods, and look about ten years younger than their age, and I have to start wondering where's the catch?

I'm sure it's not such a bad deal for the J-girls either, although I would love to know their thoughts on the subject! I imagine that when compared to a kyushu-danji, in certain respects many Western men might appear more chivalrous than a Knight of the Round Table, given that they have been brought up in societies with a 'Ladies First' ideology. Many Western men come properly "house-trained" as well, i.e. more accustomed to living on their own, and so don't mind pitching in around the apato too much when it comes to household chores. Or is it simply their rugged good looks that make them so attractive? Or could it be that they truly are "kakkoii"? Perhaps it's the exoticism of their being foreign; but then so is a BMW. There must be more to it than that. I'd love to know.

In any case, I'll be single this Valentine's Day, so if any of you J-girls out there are wanting to buy a choco for someone, dozo! Then again, maybe you'll all be "isogashii". Dodesho?

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