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<\/p>\nFor many foreign women living in Japan, there is a greater chance of becoming a yudansha in aikido or a Grand Master of sado than dating a Japanese man. Contrary to our male counterparts\u2019 experience in Japan, gaijin gals just don\u2019t have the same je ne sais quoi as gaijin guys when it comes to romancing the locals. Although initially open to and excited at the prospect, eventually, we give up.<\/p>\n
And then we justify. \u201cIt\u2019s nice to be able to walk without being hooted and hollered at.\u201d \u201cI can dance freely and not worry about being groped or leered at.\u201d \u201cI’m not interested in getting involved; I want to focus on myself.\u201d These things are truly valuable in the short-term, but unless you\u2019re planning to flee the country for more idyllic climes, the so-called search for Animal Chin ultimately continues. Putting aside the created mantra \u201cJapanese men must just not be into me\u201d, I resolved to determine what, in fact, was preventing gaijin women from romancing Japanese men.<\/p>\n
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For many gaijin ladies, our hesitations can be attributed to some of the old-fashioned attitudes men have toward women that still tremor in Japan today. Dating back to the feudal era, Confucian law stated that a woman must show subservience to her husband. In working society, it is glaringly obvious that men are the dominant figures. And although one cannot really know what \u201cA Day in the Life of Mariko\u201d might actually be like, we hear tales of housewives who dote on their husbands without receiving thanks or affection. Some of these men even spend nights away carousing with young strangers to stroke their egos.<\/p>\n
On the streets it doesn\u2019t take long to notice the kyushu-danji striding ahead as his wife trails silently behind. Taking a cue from history then, foreign women might reasonably fear that being with a Japanese man inevitably means giving up dreams and taking on an overbearing amount of responsibility, without any return of romance or affection.<\/p>\n
To add to this mix, when I asked young and single Japanese guys their initial impressions of gaijin girls, these views were frequently heard: \u201cintimidating\u201d, \u201cscary\u201d, \u201caggressive\u201d, or \u201ctoo independent\u201d. Many guys also said that they felt that dating a foreign woman would make them feel inadequate! All of these hesitancies and misconceptions, combined with gaijin guys\u2019 dim views on dating gaijin girls (see last issue\u2019s Dodesho by William!), are enough to send a girl running straight into the arms of Buddha! So what is a girl to do?<\/p>\n
There is some good news. Thanks to a new divorce law passed in 2007 entitling women up to half of their spouse\u2019s pension payments, men are starting to tighten their yukatas. They have begun helping out around the house, getting more involved with their children\u2019s lives, and spending more time with family. One very visible sign of the times is the National Teishu-Kampaku Association or Chauvinistic Husbands Association, created for husbands to help each other along the path to marital equality.<\/p>\n
Created in 1999 by a man from Kurume whose wife told him she was considering divorce, members of the association meet to swap sensitivity tips and gauge their improvements. Chanted at every meeting, the Association\u2019s slogan acts as a motivator to husbands: \u201cSay \u2018thank you\u2019 without hesitating. Say \u2018sorry\u2019 without being scared. Say \u2018I love you\u2019 without being shy.\u201d There is even a 10-dan ranking to grade its members\u2019 relationships with their wives, called the \u201cDegrees of Marital Enlightenment\u201d. Acquiring first and second dan means the husband still loves his wife after three years of marriage, and helps out around the house; succeeding on from the fourth-sixth dan means the husband has a \u201cladies first\u201d attitude, shows affection, and listens attentively. Finally, transcending to the 10th-dan signifies the ability to say, \u201cI love you\u201d without blushing.<\/p>\n
In the face of such a shift in attitudes, regardless of what your relationship goals might be, it may be time to dust off your high heels, break out your best kitty-chan shimmer, and hit the streets. Successful inter-cultural attempts have been made, and many women rave about the character perks of Japanese partners: sensitivity, attention to detail, high fashion, playfulness, chivalry, and much more. Japanese men who weren\u2019t \u201cafraid\u201d of us claimed they hadn\u2019t dated foreign women because they didn\u2019t have the opportunity, or were shy and couldn\u2019t speak English.<\/p>\n
Here are some tips that may help break the cultural gap and ignite inter-cultural flames: make the first move; communicate openly and don\u2019t make any assumptions; learn at least a few useful phrases to avoid embarrassing miscommunications in and out of the bedroom, and try to turn chauvinism into chivalry; after all, being taken care of isn\u2019t so bad, is it? Taking inspiration from the goals of the \u201cChauvinistic Association\u201d, hopefully gaijin girls will get back in the game and stamp out the stereotypes that Japanese men have about us. And who knows? Perhaps the trend will spread and help to break down the pattern of women being \u201cservice wives\u201d, and create loving, romantic, and adventurous relationships for everyone instead. Dodesho?<\/p>\n
Speak Out!
\nOnly in Japan, you say? Share YOUR opinion here in print and online.
\nPitch your idea for a cross-cultural topic. Start the debate! editor@fukuoka-now.com<\/p>\n
Opinions expressed here our the writer\u2019s and not the publishers\u2019<\/p>\n
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by Shalini Tewari
\nCanada \/ English Teacher<\/p>\n