ガイコクジン知事、ガンバリマス！

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher

 

 

 

 

先月、コメディアンのそのまんま東氏が宮崎県知事に当選したニュースを見て、分かったことがある。それは、日本では政治に関する知識がゼロに近い芸能人やタレントたちでも政治を任されるってことさ。故・青島幸男氏や横山ノック氏もそうだったよね。だから僕も彼らの影響を受けて、今年の福岡県知事選挙に出馬することを表明します！え？外国人だから知事になれないって？そんなことないさ。知事とはその県に住むすべての人たちの代表なんだから、それゆえ福岡に住む僕の政治方針だって反映されていいと思うんだ。

ズバリこれが僕のマニフェスト！

4年間の予算を立てる
日本の学生は世界でもトップクラスの数学力で知られているけど、その才能を生かした政治家なんて誰一人として見受けられない。右から左にお金が動くサイクルの中で、予算を立てることがそんなに難しいことかな？赤字財政を何とかしようという取り組みは分かる。だけど日本はここ60年のあいだ、平和を保ち好景気でやって来たはず。それなのになんで今でも赤字続き？国民の税金をムダ使いする政治家が多いって聞くけど、責任を持ってみんなのお金を使うことなんて政治家として当たり前の義務でしょ。

特別待遇を控える
僕ほど、接待や特別待遇を受けなくて済む立候補者は他にいないんじゃない？高価なゴルフ会員権？まず、ゴルフできないし。夜の中洲？スナックは退屈だし、水割りは我慢できないよ。優雅な海外バカンス？って、僕にとってここはすでに外国。もし日本を出るとしたら、家族や仲間に会いに帰るくらいだね。

空港を福岡市に残す
福岡空港の滑走路は寿命がきてる。そこで2つの修復方案が出されている。
1) 莫大な費用をかけてどこか沖合いを埋め立てて、新空港を建設する。2)現在の空港をいったん閉鎖して、設備を完璧に修復する。
僕だったら2番目を選ぶ。そりゃ空港建て直しの間は、北九州空港や佐賀空港から出入りしたりと不便さ。だけど新空港が福岡市の中心から外れた所にできた時の不便さを考えたら、少しくらい我慢できない？多くの人が福岡での生活を好む理由の1つに、『空港が便利なところにあるから』って言うよね。

もっと子供を産み、育てやすい環境作りに励む
日本は今、少子化によって深刻な状況にある。福岡でも子育てにかかる費用を心配する家庭が多い。だから僕は彼らの不安を解消するためにもその予算を作り出す。僕が知事になったら、子供を持つすべての女性たちに以下の事を約束しよう。1. 毎月のNHK受信料の支払い、2. ごみ袋の無料提供、3. 車検の払い戻し。そして、僕が再当選している限りこれらの待遇はずっと続く！

選挙活動中、あのうるさいスピーカーは使わない
これだけでも当選確実じゃない？僕に福岡の未来を任せてほしい。だから今度「だれが知事選で勝つと思う？」って聞かれた時にはこう答えてよ、「あのカタカナ候補でしょ！」ってね。ドオデショ？

 

 

 

 

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher

 

 

 

 

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher

 

 

 

 

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher

 

 

 

 

先月、コメディアンのそのまんま東氏が宮崎県知事に当選したニュースを見て、分かったことがある。それは、日本では政治に関する知識がゼロに近い芸能人やタレントたちでも政治を任されるってことさ。故・青島幸男氏や横山ノック氏もそうだったよね。だから僕も彼らの影響を受けて、今年の福岡県知事選挙に出馬することを表明します！え？外国人だから知事になれないって？そんなことないさ。知事とはその県に住むすべての人たちの代表なんだから、それゆえ福岡に住む僕の政治方針だって反映されていいと思うんだ。

ズバリこれが僕のマニフェスト！

4年間の予算を立てる
日本の学生は世界でもトップクラスの数学力で知られているけど、その才能を生かした政治家なんて誰一人として見受けられない。右から左にお金が動くサイクルの中で、予算を立てることがそんなに難しいことかな？赤字財政を何とかしようという取り組みは分かる。だけど日本はここ60年のあいだ、平和を保ち好景気でやって来たはず。それなのになんで今でも赤字続き？国民の税金をムダ使いする政治家が多いって聞くけど、責任を持ってみんなのお金を使うことなんて政治家として当たり前の義務でしょ。

特別待遇を控える
僕ほど、接待や特別待遇を受けなくて済む立候補者は他にいないんじゃない？高価なゴルフ会員権？まず、ゴルフできないし。夜の中洲？スナックは退屈だし、水割りは我慢できないよ。優雅な海外バカンス？って、僕にとってここはすでに外国。もし日本を出るとしたら、家族や仲間に会いに帰るくらいだね。

空港を福岡市に残す
福岡空港の滑走路は寿命がきてる。そこで2つの修復方案が出されている。
1) 莫大な費用をかけてどこか沖合いを埋め立てて、新空港を建設する。2)現在の空港をいったん閉鎖して、設備を完璧に修復する。
僕だったら2番目を選ぶ。そりゃ空港建て直しの間は、北九州空港や佐賀空港から出入りしたりと不便さ。だけど新空港が福岡市の中心から外れた所にできた時の不便さを考えたら、少しくらい我慢できない？多くの人が福岡での生活を好む理由の1つに、『空港が便利なところにあるから』って言うよね。

もっと子供を産み、育てやすい環境作りに励む
日本は今、少子化によって深刻な状況にある。福岡でも子育てにかかる費用を心配する家庭が多い。だから僕は彼らの不安を解消するためにもその予算を作り出す。僕が知事になったら、子供を持つすべての女性たちに以下の事を約束しよう。1. 毎月のNHK受信料の支払い、2. ごみ袋の無料提供、3. 車検の払い戻し。そして、僕が再当選している限りこれらの待遇はずっと続く！

選挙活動中、あのうるさいスピーカーは使わない
これだけでも当選確実じゃない？僕に福岡の未来を任せてほしい。だから今度「だれが知事選で勝つと思う？」って聞かれた時にはこう答えてよ、「あのカタカナ候補でしょ！」ってね。ドオデショ？

 

 

 

 

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher

 

 

 

 

I was happy to see the January election of comedian Sonomanma Higashi as the new governor of Miyazaki. Not just because Sonomanma may finally be known to foreigners for something other than Japanese Personality Most Likely to Be Mistaken for O.J. Simpson. Rather, it proves once again that acomic or singingtalento with precious little knowledge of government can succeed in Japanese politics. This list in recent years has included comedian and former Tokyo Gov. Yukio Aoshima, comedian and former Osaka Gov. Nokku “Knock” Yokoyama, and of course Junichirou Koizumi. So, after a lot of reflection (political speak for “I admired myself in the mirror”) I have decided the time is right for me to throw my hat into the ring, too. Yes, indeed, I amtoday announcing my candidacy for governor of Fukuoka Prefecture in the 2007 election. The simple fact that, technically, as a foreigner I am not allowed to actually become governor has not deterred me one whit – I am in this race to win! Nor will mygoals be limited to issues of interest primarily to the foreign community alone. A governor must represent all of the people of the prefecture, and my platform will reflect that.

Herewith is my “manifesto!”

I Will Balance the Budget in Four Years. Japanese students are world-famous for being tops at math. It’s a shame that talent doesn’t carry over once some of them get elected. Come on, guys – you’ve got the money coming in on the left, you’ve got the money going out on the right. Is budgeting really so hard? What, you don’t know where to buy a calculator in Japan? Sure, there’s a case to be made for deficit spending. But I feel that should be restricted to times of national emergency, e.g., wars or depressions. Japan has beenpeaceful and prosperousfor more than 60 years. Why all the red ink now? However much somebody might want to pour money down a rat hole (think “Island City”), it is government’s job to act responsibly with our tax money. I pledge to do that!

I Will Rein in the “Culture of Corruption”. Time and again citizens are reminded of how venal some politicians are. Too many of them, it seems, can’t get by without the perks they have come to expect as their right while holding public office. As a non-Japanese, however, I would naturally be immune to all of those corrupting entreaties. Expensive golf memberships? I can’t play. Nights out in Nakasu? I find “snacks” boring, and I can’t stand mizuwari (watered down alcohol). Exotic vacations abroad? Heck, I already am abroad – if I want to leave Japan, I’ll just visit the home folks, thank you very much. No other candidate would be less beholden to special interests than I would!

I Will Keep Fukuoka Airport in Fukuoka City. Fukuoka Airport’s only runway is reaching the end of its lifespan. Here’s two ways to fix it: 1) Build an offshore airport somewhere near Koga (where?) that will cost gazillions of yen and destroy the marine environment; or 2) Close the current airport and thoroughly renovate the facility. I favor No. 2. Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have to travel via Kitakyushu or Saga airports for the time it would take to revamp Fukuoka’s airport. But if Fukuoka decides to go with a new airport far away from the city center, it will forever be a pain in the butt to use. Don’t politicians realize that one reason people love living in Fukuoka is the simple fact that we’ve got one of the most convenient airports in Japan? Or are they the sort of masochists who think, “I’ve just landed at Narita － how I’m looking forward to that bus ride into downtown Tokyo!” I promise to make the long-term smart choice!

I Will Encourage Families to Have More Children. Japan’s long-term health is seriously threatened by the precipitously declining number of children. Too many families, it seems, avoid the expense of having children, partly because of all the annoying fees everyone must pay. I will find money in the budget to counteract that. Every woman that has a child during my term of office will have her NHK bill paid each month, her garbage bags supplied for free, and her car’s shaken completely reimbursed. Yes, it will cost money, but in the long term it will do wonders for Fukuoka’s tax base. And as long as I am re-elected the benefits will keep on coming!

I Will Not Use Outdoor Loudspeakers While Campaigning. On this promise alone I should win handily!

We can change Fukuoka – you and I. And if someone asks you, “Who can win?” just tell them “The katakana candidate can!”

By P. Sean Bramble, American, Writer and Teacher