For many foreign women living in Japan, there is a greater chance of becoming a yudansha in aikido or a Grand Master of sado than dating a Japanese man. Contrary to our male counterparts’ experience in Japan, gaijin gals just don’t have the same je ne sais quoi as gaijin guys when it comes to romancing the locals. Although initially open to and excited at the prospect, eventually, we give up.
And then we justify. “It’s nice to be able to walk without being hooted and hollered at.” “I can dance freely and not worry about being groped or leered at.” “I’m not interested in getting involved; I want to focus on myself.” These things are truly valuable in the short-term, but unless you’re planning to flee the country for more idyllic climes, the so-called search for Animal Chin ultimately continues. Putting aside the created mantra “Japanese men must just not be into me”, I resolved to determine what, in fact, was preventing gaijin women from romancing Japanese men.
For many gaijin ladies, our hesitations can be attributed to some of the old-fashioned attitudes men have toward women that still tremor in Japan today. Dating back to the feudal era, Confucian law stated that a woman must show subservience to her husband. In working society, it is glaringly obvious that men are the dominant figures. And although one cannot really know what “A Day in the Life of Mariko” might actually be like, we hear tales of housewives who dote on their husbands without receiving thanks or affection. Some of these men even spend nights away carousing with young strangers to stroke their egos.
On the streets it doesn’t take long to notice the kyushu-danji striding ahead as his wife trails silently behind. Taking a cue from history then, foreign women might reasonably fear that being with a Japanese man inevitably means giving up dreams and taking on an overbearing amount of responsibility, without any return of romance or affection.
To add to this mix, when I asked young and single Japanese guys their initial impressions of gaijin girls, these views were frequently heard: “intimidating”, “scary”, “aggressive”, or “too independent”. Many guys also said that they felt that dating a foreign woman would make them feel inadequate! All of these hesitancies and misconceptions, combined with gaijin guys’ dim views on dating gaijin girls (see last issue’s Dodesho by William!), are enough to send a girl running straight into the arms of Buddha! So what is a girl to do?
There is some good news. Thanks to a new divorce law passed in 2007 entitling women up to half of their spouse’s pension payments, men are starting to tighten their yukatas. They have begun helping out around the house, getting more involved with their children’s lives, and spending more time with family. One very visible sign of the times is the National Teishu-Kampaku Association or Chauvinistic Husbands Association, created for husbands to help each other along the path to marital equality.
Created in 1999 by a man from Kurume whose wife told him she was considering divorce, members of the association meet to swap sensitivity tips and gauge their improvements. Chanted at every meeting, the Association’s slogan acts as a motivator to husbands: “Say ‘thank you’ without hesitating. Say ‘sorry’ without being scared. Say ‘I love you’ without being shy.” There is even a 10-dan ranking to grade its members’ relationships with their wives, called the “Degrees of Marital Enlightenment”. Acquiring first and second dan means the husband still loves his wife after three years of marriage, and helps out around the house; succeeding on from the fourth-sixth dan means the husband has a “ladies first” attitude, shows affection, and listens attentively. Finally, transcending to the 10th-dan signifies the ability to say, “I love you” without blushing.
In the face of such a shift in attitudes, regardless of what your relationship goals might be, it may be time to dust off your high heels, break out your best kitty-chan shimmer, and hit the streets. Successful inter-cultural attempts have been made, and many women rave about the character perks of Japanese partners: sensitivity, attention to detail, high fashion, playfulness, chivalry, and much more. Japanese men who weren’t “afraid” of us claimed they hadn’t dated foreign women because they didn’t have the opportunity, or were shy and couldn’t speak English.
Here are some tips that may help break the cultural gap and ignite inter-cultural flames: make the first move; communicate openly and don’t make any assumptions; learn at least a few useful phrases to avoid embarrassing miscommunications in and out of the bedroom, and try to turn chauvinism into chivalry; after all, being taken care of isn’t so bad, is it? Taking inspiration from the goals of the “Chauvinistic Association”, hopefully gaijin girls will get back in the game and stamp out the stereotypes that Japanese men have about us. And who knows? Perhaps the trend will spread and help to break down the pattern of women being “service wives”, and create loving, romantic, and adventurous relationships for everyone instead. Dodesho?
Speak Out!
Only in Japan, you say? Share YOUR opinion here in print and online.
Pitch your idea for a cross-cultural topic. Start the debate! editor@fukuoka-now.com
Opinions expressed here our the writer’s and not the publishers’
by Shalini Tewari
Canada / English Teacher
